Fit'less' Regime

As we appear to be racing through the beginning of another year, my thoughts turn to health and fitness. It’s a fact, that as I get more Dad experiences (even before lockdown hit but definitely now during lockdown), I get less fit. It’s clear that the old clothes fit a little less too. I don’t think there is necessarily meant to be a link to the dad bit but I’ve pretty much stopped all those fitness activities I used to do in the early days of parenting or before kids.

Very rarely do I swim, unless I’ve fallen off the paddle board!! Very rarely do I play tennis or badminton, unless it’s a leisurely cruise around a Center Parcs court. I no longer play cricket, because the body failed me... Golf seems a distant memory and as for the bacon and egg butty once the round is completed, this probably cancels out the good. As for road running, maybe if I'm late for a train (obviously pre-Coronavirus) but for anything else, this is generally avoided!!

I guess this probably becomes the time you look to join a gym or build a fitness plan to get rid of those Dad pounds. I don’t mean the pounds you shed as bank of Mum and Dad for the teenage kids or the type PayPal and Apple Pay now drain. Mind you, wouldn’t that be nice if you could simply flick open an app or two to remove those extra 'lbs' as well as the £’s...

Sadly though, my immediate thoughts are always - what is it with gym equipment? I hate it! It’s as though they are all taunting you... I’ve even decided on my own new names for these providers of pain. Here we go with my short rant...

Firstly it’s the ‘Dreadmill’, urging you to pound out the miles with sweat pouring down your face and your legs pleading for the pain to end. Even when you have an iPad or TV to watch whilst you are using it, to try and ‘fool’ the miles away, something happens to the WiFi and you lose connection or adverts keep interrupting the programme drawing your mind back to the pain. Worse still when your son might use it and 'fire off' a quick 5k'er, waltzing off without even breaking a sweat! “How was that?” You might ask him in hope that he might reply with something like “hard work but well worth it”. Instead he replies “yes, easier today than yesterday, I think I’ll up the speed for tomorrow”. Great, thanks for that!! I guess one saving grace is that my daughter looks at the Dreadmill in a face more despairing than mine. Her view is much more “Er..a moving road, that you run or walk on - what madness is this” or “me, use that, not a chance”.

Then there’s the ‘Throwing Machine’, worse than the Dreadmill as it encompasses your whole body. After only a short few rowing strokes and a couple of painful minutes you are ready to puke! To be brutally honest, just looking at it makes me feel sick. I think this has something to do with watching the BBC’s documentary ‘Gold Fever’, in 2000, about the legendary rowing greats (now Sir Steve Redgrave and Sir Matthew Pinsent ably bolstered by James Cracknell and Tim Foster). I can never ‘unsee’ the image of Redgrave completely exhausted, falling to the floor in a heap with feet still bound to the rower. I should definitely use one of my daughters excuses to avoid this - “sorry, I get sea sick so can’t use the rowing machine” another one of her great responses to any fitness demand. I’m gonna steal that one from her... It’s also a lot more difficult to watch things on the ‘Thrower’. It’s the sliding back and forth messing with your head and vision - you also can’t avert your eyes from the timer either. No matter how many times you tell yourself “don’t look” you always catch the slow, slow progress of the timer wondering whether you’ve suddenly invented a way of morphing the space-time continuum!! Why are the seats always so uncomfortable too. Can’t we have a nice bucket seat to make things a bit easier! Maybe a G&T on the side too.

I would probably say the most apt is the 'Exorcise Bike'. The device you use to exorcise the demons of over indulgence and excess. The one everyone tells you how well they’ve done on and on what fancy app they are connected and how many people they are linked to and how fast they’ve cycled the Tour De France route and... and... . For me, not a hope... I can just about drag myself onto the seat and spin a few k’s before my bum hurts or I’m so bored that I might start enjoying using it!! I did buy some of those gel filled pants to protect my - let’s just say ‘nether regions’. “What are these unearthly things” I said to myself as I first put them on, foolishly forgetting to put shorts over the top when I first used them (fortunately during lockdown so only within my own four walls..). “Errm, you do know you are meant to wear shorts over the top of those” my wife said to me in alarm... Oops!

As for that Cross Trainer - no need for any name change here... it makes me angry just looking at it! However, I think the name is more about how it feels towards me. They certainly appear to be cross with me whenever I’ve tried to use them. To start with, you need a level of coordination which seems to have deserted me over the years. This again makes it even more ‘cross’ with you. Those flailing arm things - forget to grab them or need to take your hand off them for any particular reason - I don’t know, like to prevent dehydration... can see you getting struck square on the nose. Ouch! This is definitely a ‘cross trainer’, clearly jealous of the other more popular exercise equipment and out for revenge.

What does all this actually mean? Really, what I’m saying is, I think it's alright to be slightly anti all that serious fitness gadgetry. In fact, I’ll keep to a ‘fit-less’ regime instead. Good food, especially biscuits, good beer and wine, with some bar snacks thrown in and look forward to plenty of great company again - oh and maybe with the regular daily walk in the sunshine to get some Vit D...

Here’s to your planned fit-less regime - cheers everyone!