School Performances

As we approach the Christmas period, it reminds me that (before COVID) you will come to learn that a Dad is expected to attend all school performances: plays, presentations, recitals and the annual carol service. What an amazing experience, each time you plan to record the whole thing... Obviously. this is so you can watch it over and over again - but mainly to keep as collateral for their wedding day!!!

In our ‘old days’, when the kids were very young, we had to use camcorders. This was a nightmare and I would always fail the ‘charging the battery beforehand’ task. Nowadays, with such great camera tech on mobile phones, this challenge has gone. Well, when I say gone, apart from the time you only get the head of the person in front of you or happen to stop for a few seconds to rest your arms, only to miss the piece involving your child..oops! Also, what is it with those people; pushy parents people, who always stand up, wave, jump about and generally act like someone on a reality TV show as they shout out to little Timmy or Tammy - “come on”, “go on”, “well done”, “look over here”. The only thing that springs to my mind is “look parent, you are not the only one in here so please sit down and shut up so everyone else can enjoy this - thank you”.

Depending on the ages, it is also advisable to take ear defenders or to be more discrete, ear plugs. I think the saying is “all the right words, just not necessarily in the right order” - or key!!

Now, this next point is very, very, very important; at no stage should you laugh!!! This is not an acceptable reaction. I have done this on a number of occasions and, although I have tried my hardest to hide the fact, you will be caught out and - many, many parents will look at you in disgust. Similar to the great John Cleese as Basil Fawlty in the episode involving “Don’t Mention the War”, ”I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it” (well, laughed in this case...). As for the hassle you get when you arrive back home, this will continue for ‘a long time’. Therefore, prepare beforehand to ensure you can concentrate on something else to prevent this ‘laugh’ happening. My worst occasion was in the early years of school and a young lad was playing the piano and singing. Absolutely amazing for his parents who were clearly smitten. However, me, I lost the plot, my shoulders were rocking back and forth and I had tears rolling down my face as I tried to contain the laugh and reduce it to a muffled snort, to the point where my wife had to dig me in the ribs - not good - bad, bad me!

All the practise beforehand is also tough going. Whether it is listening to the songs or helping with lines for the play, you will certainly become tired by this experience. You will also pray to the ‘remember the lines’ gods for the day too. “Please don’t let it be our child who forgets.” You know it always is!!! If they do remember them, something else causes a stir instead...maybe even a scene worthy of You’ve Been Framed!

I have to tell you about one end of year celebration. Our son was involved and he had been part of a number of pieces of the performance. He had one last task, to present the final performance. This was a solo recorder piece from one of the girls. He must have been about eight and, sadly, in his most sarcastic voice he said “and now to finish, Fiona will play a song”. It was the way he said it; his voice dropped to a much lower pitch, emphasising the “play a song”. Everyone was stunned, looking at him as though he had said something horrible to her. I guess, it’s all in the timing!

By the end of the song, everyone knew what he had meant. The ear defenders were a must!

Listen, I’m not being mean... everyone thinks the same - even most of the parents. I had an experience like this too. My daughter decided she wanted to learn the violin - a mistake!!! We organised lessons during school and purchased her first violin. All was going well, until we heard her play! Oh dear - not a natural.

To her credit she continued to take the lessons and improved ‘slightly’. We even upgraded the violin. Sadly, a couple of school celebration events later, which included one performance in which she nearly impaled her duet partner with her bow; led her to realise she wasn’t a natural. On reflection, she decided to drop it. A shame in one way BUT a big relief in another - some instruments are bearable if not played perfectly but as for the violin - it’s just a terrible sound and clearly almost a weapon!!! Sorry princess xx

Regarding school performances; my advice is focus on the school ‘exam’ performances - they don't require ear defenders or a first aid kit!!