What a Christmas ‘Turkey’!

Hooray... time to welcome a bit of Christmas cheer. I absolutely love Christmas as a Dad. I’m not saying it can’t be stressful or challenging sometimes but on the whole, it’s my favourite time of the year - by far. Especially this year.

However, as I am sure many of you out there will have experienced, we all have very strange traditions or blueprints for Christmas. In particular, the big day itself.

I have generally followed what I experienced as a child. Fortunately, this was a pretty similar set up to my wife’s childhood experience, so it makes things a lot easier. I bet there are many heated family debates on the ‘right’ way.

Obviously some of the fun starts early with the presents strategy. When the children are young, Christmas present buying is pretty easy. When our two were little, if it had Fisher Price on it, you just bought it!

Things get a lot tougher when they are older. Once they have a bike, games console and they all have phones today, you start to ask them for ‘the list’! Now, ‘the list‘ can be quite a thing... Sometimes it might include what must be invisible letters; sometimes it might be the length of War & Peace; sometimes it will include things not even released yet and sometimes it might simply say ‘anything’ - that’s helpful, thanks!!

There are also presents that become ‘traditional’. Like the time our daughter went through a Lego Friends phase. I have to say, I certainly have a first class degree in making Lego Friends packages: The Mall, The Diner, The Dog Parlour, The Ice Cream Parlour.... the list goes on! Our son, as a big F1 fan, went through a phase of having those miniature F1 cars 1/43rd size. These are designed to be kept in a display box and maintained in mint condition. Not in our house!! I‘m not exaggerating when I say that these are now simply a "box of bits”. they are so fragile that a simple drive across a carpet will see bits hanging off like a scene from a 'Top Gear' adventure in which they drag their chosen vehicles through some kind of heavily rutted dirt track, more akin to a moonscape than a road. Even worse for us, as our son creates an F1 first corner crash and in true life comparison there are front wings, wheels and bits of bodywork flying everywhere.

When it comes to storing the presents, growing up, I was always aware of my parents’ present hiding location... Sorry Mum and Dad!!!! However, with a slightly older brother, I was never quite sure which were mine and which were his - until the day. Nowadays, we also have our own Christmas present storing location. The difference here is that as I know what crafty kids are like (I used to be one you know). I take extra steps. You form a plan, a strategy. You use the loft, the garage - as they are your friends and ‘Dad's Space’! You also select the best wardrobe for the job but do so with additional precautions. Like a scene from Dr No, in which the late, great Sean Connery places a hair across the doors, you do the same for the wardrobe selected! Plus you ensure the contents are booby-trapped, so impossible to ‘rummage’ without leaving some kind of evidence. “Get through that” you say to yourself on completion. You will also come to learn that this is a good strategy as you often see, especially the second child (generally the cheekiest or more troublesome one from many family experiences) leaving the scene disappointed. Plan worked - tick!

As for the day itself, you have generally prepared well and have all the food stuff organised. Turkey is in a box in the garage or conservatory as it’s too big for the fridge. Bags of veg sit in the cupboard waiting for their annual event - such as sprouts!!!!

Before any food can be consumed though, you must first proceed with thanking Father Christmas and those stockings. On waking, the children find the stockings and bring them in to you, generally at about 5.30AM - so you send them back to bed (because you didn’t get to bed until 2AM doing the things that needed to be done...). You get them to last until possibly 6.15AM before they are back in again. “Hang on” you say “two minutes while Mum and Dad make tea”. That two mins seems like an age to the kids as they are ‘chomping at the bit’ when you return with the tea. Then it begins - your day‘s first task; the try to catch, bag and remove all the wrapping paper as it is torn, ripped and obliterated from each package - no matter how big, small or well wrapped. Oh, and remember to take the satsuma out from the bottom - that will not be pretty if left in there until next year!!!

So the stockings completed - tick. “Thank you Father Christmas”.

Now for breakfast. After a short breather allowing the kids time to become tired of their first set of gifts, you now have the table set and ready for Christmas breakfast. This traditionally includes croissants, bread rolls, coffee and pancakes for us but will also include your first ‘alcoholic’ element of the day - Buck’s Fizz. Breakfast is enjoyable, but for the continual “can we open the main presents yet?” and “when can we open them?” or “why can’t we open them before breakfast?” and finally “can we open one now...?” Made even more annoying when they know the ‘tradition’ - stockings, breakfast, shower, change and get ready, another coffee and a sherry for Mum and Dad...... then main presents!!!

Main presents is pretty civilised at ours and we make sure there is structure - present for each in turn - “control freak“ I hear you say...

You will, during the present phase, have had to briefly stop to prepare the turkey and put it in the oven. We call this the turkey and half time wrapping paper pick up. Then the whistle blows for the second half, which would always include the ‘main, main present’. As for us as Dad’s - “thanks for the socks, thanks for the tie, thanks for the strange thing to keep keys and coins in”. But most of all “thanks for the smiles, the fun and the kiss and cuddle after each present opening - priceless xxx”.

Presents done, turkey in - tick. Another sherry please.

So it begins - Christmas Dinner preparation. This will now take up all of your time. Veg prep for carrots, broccoli, parsnips, those dreaded sprouts (chuck them in with some bacon and fry them - they may then be edible). You get the sausage meat, stuffing, yorkies, pigs in blankets and devils on horseback done too. Remember the cranberry sauce and put those crackers on the table - if you can find room!

Don’t forget you need to save some turkey juices for the 'turkey dripping on toast' on Boxing Day morning. For those not familiar with this tradition, it may sound unpleasant. This is taking the juices from the turkey and storing in a container overnight, in which time a thick layer of fat will have formed. On reaching for said container on Boxing Day morning, it does require some strength to not ‘release’ the previous day’s excesses.... However, scrape off the fat and you will find the glorious golden jelly. This can be spread straight on toast with a crack of black pepper across the top. Nectar.....

Back to Christmas Day. “Anyone for bubbles?“

Delicious. What an amazing meal. Great discussion, laughs and a few sips of your fourth different type of booze.

Now time to relax with a full stomach - all jobs done for the day. You can live off cold-cuts for the next 36 hours easily!!!

The rest of the day you spend your time relaxing, playing the odd silly game and the kids go back to playing or doing what they normally do - nothing to do with anything they’ve just got for Christmas. “Dad, can I download this game, it’s only £30....?” Typical!!!

Slowly but surely, you work your way through the Christmas booze and wine rack. With the days activities behind you and eyes beginning to feel challenged by the ‘focusing’ on things fully, after what seems like maybe one drink too many. You consider the situation, think about the time, prep, money, stress, burn on the hand from forgetting to put the oven gloves on to get the yorkies out.

“What a Christmas ‘Turkey’ I am” you say to yourself. “We’ll be more organised next year - and try to drink a little less too”.

”Port and Stilton anyone.....?”

Merry Christmas everyone and here’s to big family Christmas celebrations in 2021.